I hate this cold weather!  Fall and winter aren't exactly my favorite seasons. 

Ariana developed a fever last Saturday.  Her fever broke on Tuesday, but now she has tiny red bumps all over her body.  My mom said it's resulting from the fever and it'll go away.  The poor baby hadn't been herself.  She's more clingy and fussy, and she doesn't sleep well at night.  Cranky baby = tired Mommy.  It seems like I can never get enough sleep.  I'm tired and sleepy all the time.  I don't have the energy to do anything.  I don't know if I'm falling into another episode of depression or I'm just plain tired.  The obsessive thoughts are starting to come back .  I'm not taking Zoloft anymore, and I'm no longer seeing my therapist (for insurance reasons).  I'll have to deal with it on my own.  I'm such a mess.  I can't even think straight anymore.  I feel like all my thoughts are all tangled up in my head.  I can't really sort them out. 

Okay, totally different subject...but this has been bothering me so I need to vent. 

I'm tired of people (namely Ryan, my inlaws, and some members of my family) telling me that I'm spoiling my child by holding her too much, letting her sleep with me at night, giving her too much attention, etc.  I don't agree that you can spoil an infant by giving her what she needs - which is my love and affection.  When Ariana cries because she doesn't like to sleep in her own crib, I carry her to my bed and let her sleep with me.  Ryan said we should just let her cry herself to sleep because that's what his parents did to him.  Well, first of all...I am not his parents, I REFUSE to be compared to his mother.  I am not going to let my child cry herself to sleep so I can sleep.  It's not only selfish, it's also abuse.  When Ariana fusses and wouldn't eat, Ryan would say "Let her go hungry, then she'll eat."  What kind of parenting is that?!!  That is why I would never ever leave Ariana alone with him for a whole day.  I believe you can spoil a child by giving him whatever she wants.  But if my daughter needs my emotional and physical attention, I'm not going to deprive her of it.  End rant.

We took Ariana to JC Penny portrait studio to have our pictures taken yesterday.  Ariana couldn't sit still for one second.  As soon as we put her down on the floor, she starts crawling off the background - trying to get into things in the studio.  It took all three (Ryan, I, and the photographer) of us to trick her into sitting still for the pictures.  She wore us out.  The photographer said she had never seen any 9 month-old as quick as Ariana.  I can't wait to get the pictures back.  We got the whole package deal for less than $100.00.  Not a bad deal, I think.

My heart is heavy.  It's like when something's on your mind and you can't figure out how to solve it so it keeps weighing on your shoulders. 

My big dilemma is whether I should leave Ariana at a daycare/sitter so I could work to supplement the family income, or stay at home with her.  Of course I want both, but I don't know where I could find work at home.  I've been looking at different options but they're not working out for me.  I feel guilty just thinking of sending Ariana to a daycare. 

We're leaving for Texas tonight!  We're driving all night and should be there around 9 or 10 in the morning.  This will be a fun little vacation for me.  I haven't gone anywhere out of Indiana for a while, so this will be a nice break. 

Our one year anniversary is two days away.  Time is slipping away from me.  Ryan surprised me with a diamond ring for our anniversary.  He spends way too much money on me and honestly I don't think I deserve it.  I'm making tremendous progress with my OCD.  We're a lot happier now than we had ever been.  I realized how incredibly lucky I am to have an amazing guy who loves me the way Ryan does.  I was too self-absorbed to see it before.  I'm about 15% to full recovery, and it won't take long for me to completely focus on our marriage and get on with our lives. 

My first Mother's Day was fabulous!  My gift from Ryan was an one-hour facial at Philippes. 

We cancelled our Cancun vacation.  Ariana has developed a bad case of stranger anxiety and won't let anybody hold her beside Mommy. 

Ariana is sitting in her swing and giggling at The Incredibles on TV.  She's sooo cute!!!

I'm totally obsessed with my weight.  I want to tone my arms, thighs and flatten my tummy...FAST!  I have about 3 months to shed 15 lbs. and that doesn't seem to be a realistic goal for me right now .  I want to look good in a swimsuit!  I feel ugly right now.  I'm so stressed out about this Cancun thing.  It's supposed to be a relaxing and fun vacation/honeymoon, but I don't think I can relax and enjoy Cancun without worrying about Ariana and missing her.  She'll be staying with my in-law while we're gone.  It makes me feel very uneasy leaving her for a week, but Ryan really wants to do this because we never had a real honeymoon.  On top of my weight issue, I have nothing to wear!! Blah!

Ryan wants to take a 1-week vacay to Cancun or somewhere in Mexico in July.  It'll be like a honeymoon for us because we didn't really have one after our wedding.  We originally wanted to go to Hawaii, but his dad talked us out of it so we're looking at other alternatives.  I don't know if I'd like Mexico though, we'll search around before we decide.  I have about 4 months to get in shape. 

I had a tarot card reading at the Simply She show.  It was pretty interesting to say the least. 

Psychic: "How's the relationship between you and your mother-in-law?"

Me: "Fine."

Psychic: "She likes you, but I'd be careful around her.  She's watching you."

Me: "Meaning?"

Psychic: "She wants the best for her son, so she's going to be watching you."

Hmmm...Psychic? I think not.  Bullshitter? Ding! Ding! Ding!